Today I met a beautiful, 24 yr old woman named Miss L. Five years ago Miss L was a freshman at university. She made soaps & lotions, went snowboarding for the first time, and lived a gregarious life. She was on her way home when her car broke down and while sitting on the side of the road in her car awaiting help another car hit hers. Miss L suffered a traumatic brain injury that has incapacitated her.
Miss L is now a beautiful, crippled lady who must be cared for for the rest of her life. She can barely walk with assistance, she has difficulty speaking & must require the help from others to get dressed. Although this may seem like a horrible life to live, the amazing Miss L is always wearing a broad smile! She can sign 'I Love You' and does so often. Miss L is quick to let you know what you can do to make her happy then shows you how happy you have made her.
Appreciative, sweet, loving, and happy. We should all be that lucky!
Let us not require a horrible accident or traumatic illness to bring us to our peace and prosperity. Remember, success and happiness is all relative!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
The Truth of Gratitude...
During his appointment with me this morning, my client began to show tears of gratitude for the blessings he has in his life. He was recounting to me his recent, very first experience swimming a race in San Francisco Bay, very appreciative that his body, after 60 + years, has brought him through that strenuous, intimidating event. He spoke of completing his first triathlon in his not too distant past. He then set about reflecting on his life in general, his children, his grandchildren, his friends... I was honored that he was sharing it all with me.
Mr. W is new to my practice. I find him to be a genuine, sweet, well spoken man. I don't know much about his world save for what I have already written, as well as the fact that he is retired and recently widowed. This man lying on my table has lost his wife to cancer just a year or so ago and is now finding himself so overwhelmed with joy. Despite his lost, he is grateful!
I am grateful! Grateful for clients who see me worthy of their trust!
Mr. W is new to my practice. I find him to be a genuine, sweet, well spoken man. I don't know much about his world save for what I have already written, as well as the fact that he is retired and recently widowed. This man lying on my table has lost his wife to cancer just a year or so ago and is now finding himself so overwhelmed with joy. Despite his lost, he is grateful!
I am grateful! Grateful for clients who see me worthy of their trust!
Princes into Frogs
So what does it mean when you think you have met a prince and, not too long after you get swept into the royal romance, he morphs back into the frog?
Well, let's take a good look at this! Every man comes up from a frog, just as every swan begins as the ugly duckling. Whether it's in the looks department or in the personality arena, we all grow from something less then we are now.
There is no judgment here. It's a simple fact that we are not born perfect... at least none that I have met. We all have some level of insecurity or, if not, some huge ego that we must conquer. The saying is we are our own worst critic therefore, to those of us with normal egos, we are imperfect! The unfortunate thing we tend to overlook is that so is everyone else on the planet!
It's not a matter of being perfect in the 'now' but it is allowing ourselves to be perfectly 'imperfect' yet constantly striving for better versions of ourselves. Physically we look to improve for the sake of being healthy and feeling comfortable in our society. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually we seek so that we can live a more fulfilling life. Looking for those spiritual upgrades, if you will.
However, the journey is always building in front of us... the real challenge is not to only to move forward on our path but to not slide back! A huge game of Chutes and Ladders! Trying desperately to avoid the backsliding chutes while moving forward in life.
Back to my prince who turned back into a slimy, green, unattractive frog...
You meet someone who you find appealing and then they tell you everything you wish to hear... what do you do? Well, if you are me, you get suckered into this alternate reality where you feel you may have finally found a handsome, tall, successful man who may actually relate to you and is looking to live a life similar to your dream. God does that sound desperate! But is it really?
I buy in! Before I know it there are life long plans for the future being made. I blindly begin offering assistance if he needs it, a place to stay while he transitions out of his old house, while he looks for a new one. Now this alone creates havoc in Christian's and my life due to the fact that we live in a very small space! But, for love, I do it. I welcome this man into my home, along with his two daughters every other weekend.
That's when he begins his regression. Now that he is in, his true colors begin to glow bright green! The respect fades, the future grows dim, the consideration of others disappears! It's been a mirage the whole time and I have exhausted myself, not to mention jeopardized my relationship with my son and his happiness, security, etc., running full force toward my perceived happy ending. My son knew better from the beginning. Don't they always!
I take responsibility for my part in the matter. But, am I really to blame for wanting to share my life with an adult male? Am I at fault for trusting a man to truly represent himself to me? I fully believe I deserve my happily ever after.
A wise and dear friend said to me once, " you always find the broken ones"! I believe now that she is right.
I can't be too angry at this man/boy for going after what he wanted & needed. We all do that! For him though, it's a complete lack of integrity, honor, and truth.
It is on me to require that a man actually prove his word by supporting it with actions. I am so over the 'talk' without seeing the 'walk'! I suppose that it all boils down to me honoring myself enough to not fall so quickly. It's like buying a lovely piece of furniture only to find it was made of particle board. It may be nice at the moment and serve a purpose but it's lasting quality leaves a great deal to be desired. Eventually you will wish that you had waited, saved up the money and invested in a durable, solid oak piece. Oh the sigh of regret at money, time, love ill spent!
Well, let's take a good look at this! Every man comes up from a frog, just as every swan begins as the ugly duckling. Whether it's in the looks department or in the personality arena, we all grow from something less then we are now.
There is no judgment here. It's a simple fact that we are not born perfect... at least none that I have met. We all have some level of insecurity or, if not, some huge ego that we must conquer. The saying is we are our own worst critic therefore, to those of us with normal egos, we are imperfect! The unfortunate thing we tend to overlook is that so is everyone else on the planet!
It's not a matter of being perfect in the 'now' but it is allowing ourselves to be perfectly 'imperfect' yet constantly striving for better versions of ourselves. Physically we look to improve for the sake of being healthy and feeling comfortable in our society. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually we seek so that we can live a more fulfilling life. Looking for those spiritual upgrades, if you will.
However, the journey is always building in front of us... the real challenge is not to only to move forward on our path but to not slide back! A huge game of Chutes and Ladders! Trying desperately to avoid the backsliding chutes while moving forward in life.
Back to my prince who turned back into a slimy, green, unattractive frog...
You meet someone who you find appealing and then they tell you everything you wish to hear... what do you do? Well, if you are me, you get suckered into this alternate reality where you feel you may have finally found a handsome, tall, successful man who may actually relate to you and is looking to live a life similar to your dream. God does that sound desperate! But is it really?
I buy in! Before I know it there are life long plans for the future being made. I blindly begin offering assistance if he needs it, a place to stay while he transitions out of his old house, while he looks for a new one. Now this alone creates havoc in Christian's and my life due to the fact that we live in a very small space! But, for love, I do it. I welcome this man into my home, along with his two daughters every other weekend.
That's when he begins his regression. Now that he is in, his true colors begin to glow bright green! The respect fades, the future grows dim, the consideration of others disappears! It's been a mirage the whole time and I have exhausted myself, not to mention jeopardized my relationship with my son and his happiness, security, etc., running full force toward my perceived happy ending. My son knew better from the beginning. Don't they always!
I take responsibility for my part in the matter. But, am I really to blame for wanting to share my life with an adult male? Am I at fault for trusting a man to truly represent himself to me? I fully believe I deserve my happily ever after.
A wise and dear friend said to me once, " you always find the broken ones"! I believe now that she is right.
I can't be too angry at this man/boy for going after what he wanted & needed. We all do that! For him though, it's a complete lack of integrity, honor, and truth.
It is on me to require that a man actually prove his word by supporting it with actions. I am so over the 'talk' without seeing the 'walk'! I suppose that it all boils down to me honoring myself enough to not fall so quickly. It's like buying a lovely piece of furniture only to find it was made of particle board. It may be nice at the moment and serve a purpose but it's lasting quality leaves a great deal to be desired. Eventually you will wish that you had waited, saved up the money and invested in a durable, solid oak piece. Oh the sigh of regret at money, time, love ill spent!
'F', the energetic vampire!!!
Christian has been home for over a week now. He spent his summer back east having great adventures with family & then stayed in Los Angeles for a month with his father continuing to make up for lost time, bonding with him beautifully! We have had great opportunities to get out and have some together fun. Camping, horseback riding, bike riding, hiking, sitting around campfires with fun people. We have really been reconnecting. It's been fabulous.
Back in August I traveled to Breitenbush Hot Springs for a little down time prior to Christian's return. Although it is only 2 hours away, the atmosphere of the retreat is from a million miles away. This beautifully magical place is nestled away from any city life. There is a great consciousness for the Mother Earth. Quaint cabins, a lodge where everyone comes together to eat three organic, vegan meals a day signaled by the ringing of the dinner bell, hot springs built with beautifully placed river rocks, a labyrinth, a meditation yurt, a cobb hut for yoga or workshops... and it just goes on! All of this built in the midst of an anciet forest. What more could you ask for?
While there I met a few very interesting people. A very nice young couple with 'her' being still in high school. Her grandmother has brought her and her boyfriend from a ways off, where exactly, I do not know. The fact that two teenagers are here, as boyfriend and girlfriend, sitting naked with me in a hot spring taking in the sights of a magnificent lightening storm across the valley above the mountain opposite of us and really appreciating their surroundings is amazing to me. They are not behaving as immature, sex crazed children. Truly in awe of the beauty around them, they are respectful of each other and their hot spring companion. A lot could be learned from these two!
One man that I met is a local here in Portland. Let's call him... 'F'. Nice enough person but unattractive to me. Short and troll like, with hair everywhere but where most men want it. As this is not a place or time for picking up men and/or only giving the ones that are attractive attention, I am open to dialouge with him. But, then again, I have never found myself to be one to give the cold shoulder to people. Sometimes I falter, but more likey then not, I give everyone the 'time o' day'. Anyway, 'F' sits at my table where I have been eating and just met 'M'. 'M' is very nice and lovely to talk with. 'F' joins us and immediately takes over the conversation. I am a little annoyed as I was really enjoying chatting with 'M'. No worries. We all talk together.
'M' has a long drive to his homeland. He is interested in one last soak before his departure so he excuses himself from the table. 'F' stays stuck to his seat. After only a couple more moments I excuse myself in order to head to the hot springs to, hopefully, join 'M' so that we can continue our conversation.
'M' is lingering just outside and we walk to the springs together, picking up where we left off. He is a nice man and we have a lot to talk about, both of us being health care providers and having children. 'M' is a bit older, attractive, and has gentle bright blue eyes. I am enjoying his company.
Not too terribly long after 'M' and I are diving into deeper conversation on personal subjects, 'F' arrives. I can see the insecure kid in 'F' just wanting to be included. 'M' leaves within a moment of 'F' arriving. I contemplate getting out of the spring as well to give 'M' my contact information but I decide not too. Again, this is not what I am at breitenbush to do. I will leave it up to fate. Instead, I stay to converse with 'F'. He seems to need connection. Although, I do not stay much longer.
'F' and I do exchange contact info as he does live in Portland. He immediately suggests that we get together. I politely say, "sure". I do, however, explain to 'F' that I will be crazy busy getting ready to have my son back and that once Christian is home I will not be leaving his side for a while, until we have had some time to catch up. I let him know that I will not be allowing any thing else into my world for a bit. At least not until Christian is back in school and we are fully intergrated back into our 'school year routine'.
As fate would have it, 'M' was on the same page as me and has left his card wrapped up in my clothing. I smile when I discover this! I plan on emailing him soon.
Back at home, feeling refreshed and anxious to have my son with me I start on the tasks I have set for myself. Fixing up his room, cleaning the house, catching up on paperwork, etc. I have a great week prior to his arrival. I have many clients, as well as my chores. No time to do anything else! Just like I figured.
Unfortunately, my new friend 'F' didn't seem to hear me. He begins contacting me immediately, asking me to different events, calling me on the phone, 'IM'ing me while I am online just to check my business email. I know that I was very open and direct when I told him that I would have no time when I got back from the hot springs. Each time I would express my state of being extremely busy. He would continue on, not listening. Geez! I am loosing my patience.
Now, I know what it must be like to be an older sibling. I feel that 'F' is so needy and he is attempting to attach himself to me. An energetic vampire, if you will.
We have all heard that what we don't like in others is what we don't like about ourselves. I remember being that needy person. Just wanting to be included. Feeling insecure and lonley. Sometimes, I find myself back in that place. It really is an awful place to me. As much as I can relate to 'F', I am not sure he is able to see it in himself.
In a recent email he says that he hopes he is not being too pushy. I reply:
"To be quite honest, I did feel as though you were invading a bit. I was completely up front with you about my schedule and what my priorities were over the next couple of weeks after we met yet you kept contacting me and asking me to do things. It didn't seem as you were able to respect my boundaries. That's really not the way I want to begin a friendship.
I can relate to being a tad overzealous when it comes to meeting new people but it's really important to me that I feel safe and comfortable in my relationships.
Thank you for understanding".
Wow! What a change for me! I stuck to my boundaries! I guarded them with such diplomatic ferocity. (Proud grin!)
Wtih out so much as an apology, 'F' sends back an email stating that we should start from ground zero. He tells me that he felt we had a 'connection' when we met at Breitenbush. Another thing I can remembe myself doing... projecting my own desires onto another and creating something that wasn't trully there. I will not contact him again. I feel pretty confident that I have grown and now it is his time. I will not enable him by forcing myself to attempt a friendship with him out of pity. (Yes, I pity him as I once pitied my own reflection.)
If you have seen the movie The Celestine Phrophecy , there is a part where the main character approches a woman in a seemingly innocent manner with only the best intentions showing to the naked eye. She picks up instantly that he has underlying ulterior motives and backs away from him quickly. I want her radar! I no longer want to be sucker into a situation where I find that I am to be the 'giver' for the 'taker' who has just lured me into his web. In a sense, I find that I may have already began honing this radar ability. With help from the universe and my friends, I hope this 'Spidey Sense' keeps getting stronger.
As for 'M'... I would love to have a long distance email-ship with him. He was a kind and gentle man. I will always welcome those types of men into my world.
The kind, the selfish, the sweet & one big bitch...
I have had my fill of all of them over the past week. At least one person described by each characteristic has been in my world during the past 4 days. These are the truly memorable ones as they made the biggest impressions.
The Kind...
It was a pretty relaxed Thursday morning. I was looking forward to each and every event that I was to experience through out my day. An easy morning, an abundance of clients getting on to my table, and social events planned with great friends as the evening came. I could not ask for a better 24 hours! Then, while driving to work, I experienced an event that would tint every moment of my 'beautiful' day.
As I was driving down Prescott I caught sight of something black in the middle of the road. Now, when driving the car or on my bike , if I see something in the road, semi flat & not moving, I always cringe at the thought of having to pass over, or worst yet 'hit', an animal dead in the road. At first I thought that this black object was a piece of clothing or cloth due to it movement. It almost looked to be flapping in the breeze. As I got closer I was devastated to find that it was not what I had thought it was. Instead, I saw these two frightened yellow eyes on a terrified black face looking at me. It was a cat. He has just been hit by a car, back obviously broken, & the one who had hit him either not seen what had happened or chose no to do anything about it.
I stop my car in the middle of the road. Getting out without too much of a plan other then to help the scared and hurt baby to get out of the road. As soon as I stopped I went to open the back of my car looking to find a towel or something to pick up the cat with. There was nothing. When I looked back at the cat I found that he had pulled himself, with his limp back end, underneath my car, seeking protection from further harm. I then began to attempt to get him out. I noticed that he had frothy saliva which meant he had fluid in his lungs. Poor baby was so bad off. I knew immediately that he was going to die. My plan now was to get him in my car, take him to Dove Lewis & have him put down. Sadness and stress had taken over. I was unsure how to bring him out from under my car without hurting him further while keeping myself safe.
In the meantime, cars had begun to back up behind me. The vehicle directly behind me was a utilities truck. Two men were watching me through their windshield. Then, the passenger side door opened. A man emerged, putting on gloves as he walked toward me. I was relieved to have some help. I began to weep. I was so sad for the petrified cat struggling to live, wanting to avoid further pain. I was also sad at the state of humanity in which a person can hurt an animal, by accident, then leave it to suffer taking no responsibility or care for what had happened. I so sincerely hope that they just did not realize what had happened.
The gentleman was able to take the kitty by it's front paw to slowly bring it out from under my car. The man was so kind, attempting to comfort me while moving the cat to the side of the road & petting him, attempting to comfort the cat as well. I asked him to please put the cat in the back of my car so I could take it to the vet to have him put to sleep. The kind man did as I asked. The dear black cat looked to be a bit more calm. I was so grateful to have had this man's help and his words.
With tears rolling down my cheeks, just as they are now, I spoke to the sweet baby as I navigated through traffic & the streets of Portland as safe as I could while trying to make headway quickly.
As I crossed the Fremont bridge I heard a bit of a shuffling in the back then smelled an odor that let me know the cat had passed away. His bowels had moved, as it happens when all things die.
I continued on to Dove Lewis where the receptionist and vet techs were so lovely & compassionate. They took the body out of my car for me and offered me the 'Comfort Room' so that I could take a moment to gather myself. With gentle hands either touching my shoulder or placed on my arm, these ladies were very comforting, even though I was not the cats owner, just a good samaritan with a saddened heart.
I am so appreciative for the kind people in this world. No matter the people who have not yet had their hearts opened, there are many out there that have. I do believe that the kind people of the world make up the majority. I am forever thankful for all of you!
The selfish...
Let me preface this by saying that I find selfishness to be either the residuals from an upbringing or abuses by other selfish people. Selfish, mean, uncaring people have just not yet had their humbling experience. They are simply acting out of their superficial living. They may not have depth as of now, or they do not have the spiritual/emotional tools to handle depth. This is not a judgment, simply my perceptions.
I have been in the process of becoming friends with a new guy, J... We have had fun at the movies, over a drink while talking about surfing, through flirtatious texts, some, less then shallow conversation & even a kiss. J is cute & funny. I enjoy hanging out with him so far. However, he seems to me to be distant and emotionally unavailable, as well as a bit self pre-occupied, worried with his own comfort first and foremost. J also seems to be a bit on the defensive, especially where money is concerned. There is a very sweet side to J & I believe him to be a good man, or else I would not be spending time with him. He has shared with me ways that he has been there for his other friends, not in a 'try to impress' way, just through nonchalant dialogue.
On Thursday, I put out a text to him simply saying that I had experienced a horrible start to my day. I really wanted to have him show concern for me. I often feel on the fringe of his life, although I just began being a part of his life, however small that part may be.
Well, no response or concern was showed me all of Thursday by Mr. J. Ok, maybe he is busy or one of many other valid reasons he may have for not responding with questions on what happened or if I am ok. There I go again, giving the benefit of the doubt to someone who has not yet earned it. Either I choose to remain naive or just hopeful.
Thursday evening, as I am leaving work, I send a text to J asking if he wants to join us for drinks. Being in a class is what keeps him from accepting. I send back a little flirt, nothing big. More of a cute ego rub. After our kiss he has been a little more reserved when texting me. A little short with responses and not too much contact otherwise. Oh well. The weirdness has to blow over I suspect. We will see... But, tonight, we fall back into full force. Christian is out of town camping with his school for the night. I am feeling a bit blue, lonely, & in need of affection. I turn up the heat on our verbal play, essentially putting myself out there on a silver platter, offering to make good all of our teasing. At first he tells me that I had my chance. Although I try for a couple of hours to convince him to come fill my needs, it seems as though he is going to pass up the offer. OUCH! Nothing like a very virile man turning down a sensual liaison for no good reason to end your already difficult day.
Even though I want to, I don't take it personally. I know that I turned him down first. I wasn't intending to play a game with him. I just didn't want to put out 'casual sex' energy. Instead, I wanted to reserve and redirect that energy towards a life partner. Today I am weak & am a bit grateful that he is not going to take the bait. It will help me to stay on track!
I crawl into my bed, alone and emotionally exhausted. Pulling the down comforter up around my chin to ward off the cool night air coming in the widow just beside me, I fall asleep fast.
11:50 p.m. I am awakened by the sound of a text coming in. It's J. 'What are you doing awake'?, I ask. He doesn't know, just woke up & is now going back to sleep. I jokingly reply, 'you must be thinking about me', which is obvious cause he sent a text. One message led to another. Next thing I know is that at 12:20 a.m. Mr J is crawling into my bed... NAKED! Whoo Hoo! He really has such a nice physique.
Although the sex was nice, it was pretty straight forward with out much foreplay. There was a definite energetic wall between us. No real connection. I know it is possible to 'connect' with unfamiliar lovers. I have heard it from other women & have experienced it myself. It doesn't occur with J. His actions tell me that he is there not to bring me happiness, but to have his needs met. Afterwards, he did bring me close to cuddle but it felt more obligatory then sincere. That could just be my insecurities projecting out onto him. I could also just be trying to give him the benefit of the doubt again.
During the morning hours, while drifting in and out of sleep, I am visited by visions of my sweet, dead cat friend. The images are of his terror & panic. My thoughts bring tears to my eyes again. J is asleep so does not notice. Desperately I try to push the images from my mind, just wanting to sleep.
As J laid beside me, he would shift and break from sleep just to direct my hand to his cock saying that he liked the feeling of it being held. He also asked for a little back rub at some point. Being the giver I am, I did so. I now realize that J is a bit of a taker. I will have to be cautious not to be drained of my precious energy. I did, however, speak out, gently directing his hand to my lower back asking him to massage me for a bit. He made a sweet effort. There may be hope yet!
J is a good lover, just not the most giving lover. He and I 'fit' well together, he has stamina, and he is gentle. Having sex with him is pleasurable. I smile when I think of him in my bed. I get chills when I think of being intimate with him again. Maybe I can stay distant enough to be able to enjoy physical fulfillment. But, the question is, do I want to? I will definitely have to time it when I do not have emotional needs, just physical.
As J was leaving, he told me a bit of his previous day. I told him about my cat experience. He opens my eyes to my own judgment of the people who left the cat in the road. J let's me know that he, himself, wouldn't know what to do in that situation. He even says that if I were to cut my finger, he couldn't help me. I am forced to recognize that not everyone can face death, trauma, or serious injury. It's for those of us who can to pick up where others leave off. That is how I am to help in this world. It's not better, not worse, just is what I can do. I am thankful to J for his honesty.
J sends a text later saying, 'Thanks for last night' and 'U R very sexy'. Nice. Sincerity level is yet to be determined. :-)
The sweet...
Young Mr. S. In this case, S does stand for sweet. I worked outside all weekend at the Saturday Market, selling my friends pottery. I am not part of the usual Market community yet the ones who are tend to be very helpful, kind, and welcoming. The booth I was running backed up to the booth of a local artist, jeweler dude... Mr. S. Our acquaintance began when he asked for my opinion on a piece of jewelry he was attempting to design. 'Very nice', was my accurate compliment. The idea S had was very pretty indeed. The immediate hold back was how to tie it all in to complete the pendant. I offered up some suggestions, which he took without ego involvement. S is this very adorable, quirky guy, a bit on the eccentric pop side and super nice. His work is interestingly creative. I enjoyed meeting him.
The first day S and I did not talk too much. He would show me his work, ask if I would put it on so he could take a picture of it, then show me how it looked hanging around my neck. It was fun trying on his jewelry then attempting to stand still so he could zoom in on the piece with his camera phone. Before I knew, the day was at an end and I seemingly had a new friend. I was to be at the same spot the next day, as was he. I knew we'd hang out more on Sunday.
Sunday came. Off to the market to set up! Young Mr. S was there bright and early. I was a little late. Immediately we struck up conversation.
I say 'young' Mr. S because he is about 9 years my junior. That doesn't seem to discourage him. He made a couple coy attempts to see 'if I had any free time next week'. How SWEET!
During the course of the day S shared some games on his ipod with me, offered me part of his lunch, gave me a rose, and brought me back an array of fudge samples when I expressed my craving for chocolate. S & I had many small conversations, sharing bits of our individual lives and photos of our loved ones. Mr. S was definitely a great person to have backed up to my booth. He is very funny and sweet. Mr. S's demeanor comes across as being completely sincere, kind, and shows him to be a people pleaser. A nice addition to the wonderful people I find in my life.
The big bitch...
As we were all tearing down our booths for the day, the couple to the side of mine was off taking a load of goods to their storage or their car, I am not sure which. While they were gone a gust of wind came out of the blue, lifting their 'Easy Up' just enough to move it & to knock down a rack in the booth on their other side. The girl in the booth was sitting down talking on the phone when this light, metal rack fell forward, brushing past her leg. She screamed but did not move. Many of us stopped what we were doing to go to her aide. She simply sat there, still on the phone while we picked up the rack, placing it back where it was & arranging the clothing that fell as well. Next, another vender and I proceeded to lower the culprit 'Easy Up' in hopes to avoid another such episode during which the corner of the 'Easy Up' pushed the rack over again, coming no where near the girl. Again, she sat doing nothing but talking on the phone. I attempted to right the rack & while doing so some of the clothes fell off again. Then, she got up. She began chastising me for the fallen clothing, telling me to just leave the rack. I did so and went back to my packing up duty. Later, when the couple returned I explained what had happen. The guy asked the girl from the other booth what had happened. She simply told the story of how, when we tried to lower the canopy we knocked over her rack. From what I gathered she left out the whole wind situation, just blaming the catastrophe on me and the other helpful guy. Definitely, one BIG bitch. May God have mercy on her soul!!!
Luckily for me, the acts of kindness and sincerity out weighed the negative human characteristics that I experienced. Although the negative made an impact on me, I am not jaded, nor am I angry. People are people, fallible and imperfect. The good thing is that the consciousness is shifting and people are beginning to understand how our behaviors are affecting the world in which we live. The best we can do is continue to work on our own issues and to 'be the change we want to see in the world'.
Namaste
The Kind...
It was a pretty relaxed Thursday morning. I was looking forward to each and every event that I was to experience through out my day. An easy morning, an abundance of clients getting on to my table, and social events planned with great friends as the evening came. I could not ask for a better 24 hours! Then, while driving to work, I experienced an event that would tint every moment of my 'beautiful' day.
As I was driving down Prescott I caught sight of something black in the middle of the road. Now, when driving the car or on my bike , if I see something in the road, semi flat & not moving, I always cringe at the thought of having to pass over, or worst yet 'hit', an animal dead in the road. At first I thought that this black object was a piece of clothing or cloth due to it movement. It almost looked to be flapping in the breeze. As I got closer I was devastated to find that it was not what I had thought it was. Instead, I saw these two frightened yellow eyes on a terrified black face looking at me. It was a cat. He has just been hit by a car, back obviously broken, & the one who had hit him either not seen what had happened or chose no to do anything about it.
I stop my car in the middle of the road. Getting out without too much of a plan other then to help the scared and hurt baby to get out of the road. As soon as I stopped I went to open the back of my car looking to find a towel or something to pick up the cat with. There was nothing. When I looked back at the cat I found that he had pulled himself, with his limp back end, underneath my car, seeking protection from further harm. I then began to attempt to get him out. I noticed that he had frothy saliva which meant he had fluid in his lungs. Poor baby was so bad off. I knew immediately that he was going to die. My plan now was to get him in my car, take him to Dove Lewis & have him put down. Sadness and stress had taken over. I was unsure how to bring him out from under my car without hurting him further while keeping myself safe.
In the meantime, cars had begun to back up behind me. The vehicle directly behind me was a utilities truck. Two men were watching me through their windshield. Then, the passenger side door opened. A man emerged, putting on gloves as he walked toward me. I was relieved to have some help. I began to weep. I was so sad for the petrified cat struggling to live, wanting to avoid further pain. I was also sad at the state of humanity in which a person can hurt an animal, by accident, then leave it to suffer taking no responsibility or care for what had happened. I so sincerely hope that they just did not realize what had happened.
The gentleman was able to take the kitty by it's front paw to slowly bring it out from under my car. The man was so kind, attempting to comfort me while moving the cat to the side of the road & petting him, attempting to comfort the cat as well. I asked him to please put the cat in the back of my car so I could take it to the vet to have him put to sleep. The kind man did as I asked. The dear black cat looked to be a bit more calm. I was so grateful to have had this man's help and his words.
With tears rolling down my cheeks, just as they are now, I spoke to the sweet baby as I navigated through traffic & the streets of Portland as safe as I could while trying to make headway quickly.
As I crossed the Fremont bridge I heard a bit of a shuffling in the back then smelled an odor that let me know the cat had passed away. His bowels had moved, as it happens when all things die.
I continued on to Dove Lewis where the receptionist and vet techs were so lovely & compassionate. They took the body out of my car for me and offered me the 'Comfort Room' so that I could take a moment to gather myself. With gentle hands either touching my shoulder or placed on my arm, these ladies were very comforting, even though I was not the cats owner, just a good samaritan with a saddened heart.
I am so appreciative for the kind people in this world. No matter the people who have not yet had their hearts opened, there are many out there that have. I do believe that the kind people of the world make up the majority. I am forever thankful for all of you!
The selfish...
Let me preface this by saying that I find selfishness to be either the residuals from an upbringing or abuses by other selfish people. Selfish, mean, uncaring people have just not yet had their humbling experience. They are simply acting out of their superficial living. They may not have depth as of now, or they do not have the spiritual/emotional tools to handle depth. This is not a judgment, simply my perceptions.
I have been in the process of becoming friends with a new guy, J... We have had fun at the movies, over a drink while talking about surfing, through flirtatious texts, some, less then shallow conversation & even a kiss. J is cute & funny. I enjoy hanging out with him so far. However, he seems to me to be distant and emotionally unavailable, as well as a bit self pre-occupied, worried with his own comfort first and foremost. J also seems to be a bit on the defensive, especially where money is concerned. There is a very sweet side to J & I believe him to be a good man, or else I would not be spending time with him. He has shared with me ways that he has been there for his other friends, not in a 'try to impress' way, just through nonchalant dialogue.
On Thursday, I put out a text to him simply saying that I had experienced a horrible start to my day. I really wanted to have him show concern for me. I often feel on the fringe of his life, although I just began being a part of his life, however small that part may be.
Well, no response or concern was showed me all of Thursday by Mr. J. Ok, maybe he is busy or one of many other valid reasons he may have for not responding with questions on what happened or if I am ok. There I go again, giving the benefit of the doubt to someone who has not yet earned it. Either I choose to remain naive or just hopeful.
Thursday evening, as I am leaving work, I send a text to J asking if he wants to join us for drinks. Being in a class is what keeps him from accepting. I send back a little flirt, nothing big. More of a cute ego rub. After our kiss he has been a little more reserved when texting me. A little short with responses and not too much contact otherwise. Oh well. The weirdness has to blow over I suspect. We will see... But, tonight, we fall back into full force. Christian is out of town camping with his school for the night. I am feeling a bit blue, lonely, & in need of affection. I turn up the heat on our verbal play, essentially putting myself out there on a silver platter, offering to make good all of our teasing. At first he tells me that I had my chance. Although I try for a couple of hours to convince him to come fill my needs, it seems as though he is going to pass up the offer. OUCH! Nothing like a very virile man turning down a sensual liaison for no good reason to end your already difficult day.
Even though I want to, I don't take it personally. I know that I turned him down first. I wasn't intending to play a game with him. I just didn't want to put out 'casual sex' energy. Instead, I wanted to reserve and redirect that energy towards a life partner. Today I am weak & am a bit grateful that he is not going to take the bait. It will help me to stay on track!
I crawl into my bed, alone and emotionally exhausted. Pulling the down comforter up around my chin to ward off the cool night air coming in the widow just beside me, I fall asleep fast.
11:50 p.m. I am awakened by the sound of a text coming in. It's J. 'What are you doing awake'?, I ask. He doesn't know, just woke up & is now going back to sleep. I jokingly reply, 'you must be thinking about me', which is obvious cause he sent a text. One message led to another. Next thing I know is that at 12:20 a.m. Mr J is crawling into my bed... NAKED! Whoo Hoo! He really has such a nice physique.
Although the sex was nice, it was pretty straight forward with out much foreplay. There was a definite energetic wall between us. No real connection. I know it is possible to 'connect' with unfamiliar lovers. I have heard it from other women & have experienced it myself. It doesn't occur with J. His actions tell me that he is there not to bring me happiness, but to have his needs met. Afterwards, he did bring me close to cuddle but it felt more obligatory then sincere. That could just be my insecurities projecting out onto him. I could also just be trying to give him the benefit of the doubt again.
During the morning hours, while drifting in and out of sleep, I am visited by visions of my sweet, dead cat friend. The images are of his terror & panic. My thoughts bring tears to my eyes again. J is asleep so does not notice. Desperately I try to push the images from my mind, just wanting to sleep.
As J laid beside me, he would shift and break from sleep just to direct my hand to his cock saying that he liked the feeling of it being held. He also asked for a little back rub at some point. Being the giver I am, I did so. I now realize that J is a bit of a taker. I will have to be cautious not to be drained of my precious energy. I did, however, speak out, gently directing his hand to my lower back asking him to massage me for a bit. He made a sweet effort. There may be hope yet!
J is a good lover, just not the most giving lover. He and I 'fit' well together, he has stamina, and he is gentle. Having sex with him is pleasurable. I smile when I think of him in my bed. I get chills when I think of being intimate with him again. Maybe I can stay distant enough to be able to enjoy physical fulfillment. But, the question is, do I want to? I will definitely have to time it when I do not have emotional needs, just physical.
As J was leaving, he told me a bit of his previous day. I told him about my cat experience. He opens my eyes to my own judgment of the people who left the cat in the road. J let's me know that he, himself, wouldn't know what to do in that situation. He even says that if I were to cut my finger, he couldn't help me. I am forced to recognize that not everyone can face death, trauma, or serious injury. It's for those of us who can to pick up where others leave off. That is how I am to help in this world. It's not better, not worse, just is what I can do. I am thankful to J for his honesty.
J sends a text later saying, 'Thanks for last night' and 'U R very sexy'. Nice. Sincerity level is yet to be determined. :-)
The sweet...
Young Mr. S. In this case, S does stand for sweet. I worked outside all weekend at the Saturday Market, selling my friends pottery. I am not part of the usual Market community yet the ones who are tend to be very helpful, kind, and welcoming. The booth I was running backed up to the booth of a local artist, jeweler dude... Mr. S. Our acquaintance began when he asked for my opinion on a piece of jewelry he was attempting to design. 'Very nice', was my accurate compliment. The idea S had was very pretty indeed. The immediate hold back was how to tie it all in to complete the pendant. I offered up some suggestions, which he took without ego involvement. S is this very adorable, quirky guy, a bit on the eccentric pop side and super nice. His work is interestingly creative. I enjoyed meeting him.
The first day S and I did not talk too much. He would show me his work, ask if I would put it on so he could take a picture of it, then show me how it looked hanging around my neck. It was fun trying on his jewelry then attempting to stand still so he could zoom in on the piece with his camera phone. Before I knew, the day was at an end and I seemingly had a new friend. I was to be at the same spot the next day, as was he. I knew we'd hang out more on Sunday.
Sunday came. Off to the market to set up! Young Mr. S was there bright and early. I was a little late. Immediately we struck up conversation.
I say 'young' Mr. S because he is about 9 years my junior. That doesn't seem to discourage him. He made a couple coy attempts to see 'if I had any free time next week'. How SWEET!
During the course of the day S shared some games on his ipod with me, offered me part of his lunch, gave me a rose, and brought me back an array of fudge samples when I expressed my craving for chocolate. S & I had many small conversations, sharing bits of our individual lives and photos of our loved ones. Mr. S was definitely a great person to have backed up to my booth. He is very funny and sweet. Mr. S's demeanor comes across as being completely sincere, kind, and shows him to be a people pleaser. A nice addition to the wonderful people I find in my life.
The big bitch...
As we were all tearing down our booths for the day, the couple to the side of mine was off taking a load of goods to their storage or their car, I am not sure which. While they were gone a gust of wind came out of the blue, lifting their 'Easy Up' just enough to move it & to knock down a rack in the booth on their other side. The girl in the booth was sitting down talking on the phone when this light, metal rack fell forward, brushing past her leg. She screamed but did not move. Many of us stopped what we were doing to go to her aide. She simply sat there, still on the phone while we picked up the rack, placing it back where it was & arranging the clothing that fell as well. Next, another vender and I proceeded to lower the culprit 'Easy Up' in hopes to avoid another such episode during which the corner of the 'Easy Up' pushed the rack over again, coming no where near the girl. Again, she sat doing nothing but talking on the phone. I attempted to right the rack & while doing so some of the clothes fell off again. Then, she got up. She began chastising me for the fallen clothing, telling me to just leave the rack. I did so and went back to my packing up duty. Later, when the couple returned I explained what had happen. The guy asked the girl from the other booth what had happened. She simply told the story of how, when we tried to lower the canopy we knocked over her rack. From what I gathered she left out the whole wind situation, just blaming the catastrophe on me and the other helpful guy. Definitely, one BIG bitch. May God have mercy on her soul!!!
Luckily for me, the acts of kindness and sincerity out weighed the negative human characteristics that I experienced. Although the negative made an impact on me, I am not jaded, nor am I angry. People are people, fallible and imperfect. The good thing is that the consciousness is shifting and people are beginning to understand how our behaviors are affecting the world in which we live. The best we can do is continue to work on our own issues and to 'be the change we want to see in the world'.
Namaste
Quotes and thoughts to go along with them...
Over the years I have kept a little collection of my favorite quotes. Words, that when linked together create such depth, can provoke an astounding state of introspection for me. And, I will share some of them with you...
Abraham Lincoln once said, "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power".
Just look at the world in which we live and you will see the immense truth in that saying. Look at our White House, look at our pro-athletes, our surgeons, look at our managers, our parents,... look at ourselves! Have you ever found yourself in a position of power where you did not use that power for good, or deployed slight manipulations to see the outcome you had hoped for? How does your character, my character stand up under the temptations that go along with being in control? Talk about an opportunity to introspect & reflect on our own personal behaviors so that we may make a change for the positive!
"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough". Frank Crane
In our society, with our media relentlessly blaring the indiscretions, crimes, travesties that are constantly occurring, it is extremely hard for me to trust. However, each and every time I find myself 'victim' to someone else's poor judgment or character flaws I do my absolute best to understand that it is not my problem. The only way for me to be the 'victim' is if I allow it to be so. Although I have found myself starting down a jaded path several times, I simply call to my spirit guides to redirect me. Thank the Universe for wonderful guides, both of this world and the spirit world. Without them I would surely be unable to offer up the benefit of the doubt. Even if the ones who I do give that benefit to do not deserve it, all I can be responsible and grateful for is the fact that I can extend it.
This leads into another great saying... "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"!
Although we may want to turn the other cheek, it doesn't mean we have to stand in slapping distance when we do so. (wow, that's one I am proud to have come up with!)
And, one more on a lighter note...
"I know there is a happy medium because I see it everytime I swing past"! Unknown
Boy, is that not the story of my life! :-) Finding that 'happy medium' is my personal goal in most things. Maybe that shows me to be passion-less but to be honest, I feel if I have a strong passion for one thing & one thing only, it limits my experiences to just that one thing! I love many things but do not get tunnel vision. I wish to explore many things & have done so in the course of my 38 years. I wish to continue!
Ciao for now,
Artie
Abraham Lincoln once said, "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power".
Just look at the world in which we live and you will see the immense truth in that saying. Look at our White House, look at our pro-athletes, our surgeons, look at our managers, our parents,... look at ourselves! Have you ever found yourself in a position of power where you did not use that power for good, or deployed slight manipulations to see the outcome you had hoped for? How does your character, my character stand up under the temptations that go along with being in control? Talk about an opportunity to introspect & reflect on our own personal behaviors so that we may make a change for the positive!
"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough". Frank Crane
In our society, with our media relentlessly blaring the indiscretions, crimes, travesties that are constantly occurring, it is extremely hard for me to trust. However, each and every time I find myself 'victim' to someone else's poor judgment or character flaws I do my absolute best to understand that it is not my problem. The only way for me to be the 'victim' is if I allow it to be so. Although I have found myself starting down a jaded path several times, I simply call to my spirit guides to redirect me. Thank the Universe for wonderful guides, both of this world and the spirit world. Without them I would surely be unable to offer up the benefit of the doubt. Even if the ones who I do give that benefit to do not deserve it, all I can be responsible and grateful for is the fact that I can extend it.
This leads into another great saying... "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"!
Although we may want to turn the other cheek, it doesn't mean we have to stand in slapping distance when we do so. (wow, that's one I am proud to have come up with!)
And, one more on a lighter note...
"I know there is a happy medium because I see it everytime I swing past"! Unknown
Boy, is that not the story of my life! :-) Finding that 'happy medium' is my personal goal in most things. Maybe that shows me to be passion-less but to be honest, I feel if I have a strong passion for one thing & one thing only, it limits my experiences to just that one thing! I love many things but do not get tunnel vision. I wish to explore many things & have done so in the course of my 38 years. I wish to continue!
Ciao for now,
Artie
Bike fiasco, Salsa fun!
Sunday! An amazingly sunny day here in Portland. I had a profitable work schedule on the books and was looking forward to every minute of it. There was enough time for me to ride my bike to work. Considering the glorious weather, why the hell not!
My after work plans involved me attending a festival called Salsa en la Calle! I absolutely love salsa!!! Biking there would be better then trying to find a parking spot so I was set. Everyone here bikes to all kinds of things. I would be too surprised to see a man in a tux going to the opera on a bike. Portland is pretty cool like that!
Everything was going as planned. I had arrived at work after a beautiful ride, had gotten through all of my appointments, and was ready for dancing. As luck would have it, as I am leaving the office to go to the event the sky opens up and a down pour ensues. So, since I have no rain jacket (how stupid of me... this is Portland!) I decide to ride a couple of blocks east to REI and pick up some gear. There is a saying here in the city of rain and roses... "There is no bad weather, just bad gear!!!"
All was going well until I made a right hand turn onto NW 15th & found myself riding smack in the middle of the steel tracks! SHIT! I hate the Max tracks! Those smooth, slippery, grooved out tracks that give my town it's reputation for amazing public transportation are good for just that but bad for cyclists! Flashing back to my last encounter with the asphalt due to those hungry bastards, I assured myself that I would prevail this time! What I didn't do was take into account the fact that they were now WET!
Oh Fuck, here I go again! I was slipping out of control desperately trying to get my feet out of the straps that are designed to keep your feet in and thinking, "this can't be happening again!" Oh, yes it can! I swear I could hear each and every molecule of steel laughing hysterically as I ate blacktop once more! It's a maniacal plot between the road and the tracks! "Let's see how many morons we can sucker into taking us on"!
I bounce, get up and walk my bike with it's back tire not moving (bent rim) and my bloody knee over to REI on the next block. I head straight to the bathroom where I was up my knee & get the blood off my shorts then go to pick up a rain jacket.
Lucky me, the same jacket that I bought a week ago for $33 and returned because it was too short in the sleeves is now on sale for $12! Now I can walk the 6 miles home to go get my car so I can come load up my bike without getting even more drenched. I would have taken the bus but on Sundays the schedule is a real inconvenient one. Walking has proven, in the past, to be less time consuming!
I then call my friend to tell her the story of why I am not there already & she relates to my plight and comforts me by telling me she has met with the dooming tracks 3 times! I feel so much better. I promise Catherine that I will be down there to meet her come hell or high water, or max tracks for that matter!
My friend and her sister live just around the corner from me. I was thinking of calling the sister, Bridget, to have her drive and come save me from the walk in the rain. I pull out my phone and low and behold there is a text from Bridget! I call her up & she comes to my rescue.
I was able to get to the event in just over an hour! I was really glad I powered through. It was so much fun. And, no one seemed to mind that I was looking like a street urchin in my wet clothes, bloody knee and road grunge all over. Sexy Latino men were asking me to dance for two hours solid & the music was electrifying!
I wake up on Monday dreadfully stiff, sore and my foot hurting like hell! Oh the price I pay for being accident prone & not knowing when to quit!
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