I have had my fill of all of them over the past week. At least one person described by each characteristic has been in my world during the past 4 days. These are the truly memorable ones as they made the biggest impressions.
The Kind...
It was a pretty relaxed Thursday morning. I was looking forward to each and every event that I was to experience through out my day. An easy morning, an abundance of clients getting on to my table, and social events planned with great friends as the evening came. I could not ask for a better 24 hours! Then, while driving to work, I experienced an event that would tint every moment of my 'beautiful' day.
As I was driving down Prescott I caught sight of something black in the middle of the road. Now, when driving the car or on my bike , if I see something in the road, semi flat & not moving, I always cringe at the thought of having to pass over, or worst yet 'hit', an animal dead in the road. At first I thought that this black object was a piece of clothing or cloth due to it movement. It almost looked to be flapping in the breeze. As I got closer I was devastated to find that it was not what I had thought it was. Instead, I saw these two frightened yellow eyes on a terrified black face looking at me. It was a cat. He has just been hit by a car, back obviously broken, & the one who had hit him either not seen what had happened or chose no to do anything about it.
I stop my car in the middle of the road. Getting out without too much of a plan other then to help the scared and hurt baby to get out of the road. As soon as I stopped I went to open the back of my car looking to find a towel or something to pick up the cat with. There was nothing. When I looked back at the cat I found that he had pulled himself, with his limp back end, underneath my car, seeking protection from further harm. I then began to attempt to get him out. I noticed that he had frothy saliva which meant he had fluid in his lungs. Poor baby was so bad off. I knew immediately that he was going to die. My plan now was to get him in my car, take him to Dove Lewis & have him put down. Sadness and stress had taken over. I was unsure how to bring him out from under my car without hurting him further while keeping myself safe.
In the meantime, cars had begun to back up behind me. The vehicle directly behind me was a utilities truck. Two men were watching me through their windshield. Then, the passenger side door opened. A man emerged, putting on gloves as he walked toward me. I was relieved to have some help. I began to weep. I was so sad for the petrified cat struggling to live, wanting to avoid further pain. I was also sad at the state of humanity in which a person can hurt an animal, by accident, then leave it to suffer taking no responsibility or care for what had happened. I so sincerely hope that they just did not realize what had happened.
The gentleman was able to take the kitty by it's front paw to slowly bring it out from under my car. The man was so kind, attempting to comfort me while moving the cat to the side of the road & petting him, attempting to comfort the cat as well. I asked him to please put the cat in the back of my car so I could take it to the vet to have him put to sleep. The kind man did as I asked. The dear black cat looked to be a bit more calm. I was so grateful to have had this man's help and his words.
With tears rolling down my cheeks, just as they are now, I spoke to the sweet baby as I navigated through traffic & the streets of Portland as safe as I could while trying to make headway quickly.
As I crossed the Fremont bridge I heard a bit of a shuffling in the back then smelled an odor that let me know the cat had passed away. His bowels had moved, as it happens when all things die.
I continued on to Dove Lewis where the receptionist and vet techs were so lovely & compassionate. They took the body out of my car for me and offered me the 'Comfort Room' so that I could take a moment to gather myself. With gentle hands either touching my shoulder or placed on my arm, these ladies were very comforting, even though I was not the cats owner, just a good samaritan with a saddened heart.
I am so appreciative for the kind people in this world. No matter the people who have not yet had their hearts opened, there are many out there that have. I do believe that the kind people of the world make up the majority. I am forever thankful for all of you!
The selfish...
Let me preface this by saying that I find selfishness to be either the residuals from an upbringing or abuses by other selfish people. Selfish, mean, uncaring people have just not yet had their humbling experience. They are simply acting out of their superficial living. They may not have depth as of now, or they do not have the spiritual/emotional tools to handle depth. This is not a judgment, simply my perceptions.
I have been in the process of becoming friends with a new guy, J... We have had fun at the movies, over a drink while talking about surfing, through flirtatious texts, some, less then shallow conversation & even a kiss. J is cute & funny. I enjoy hanging out with him so far. However, he seems to me to be distant and emotionally unavailable, as well as a bit self pre-occupied, worried with his own comfort first and foremost. J also seems to be a bit on the defensive, especially where money is concerned. There is a very sweet side to J & I believe him to be a good man, or else I would not be spending time with him. He has shared with me ways that he has been there for his other friends, not in a 'try to impress' way, just through nonchalant dialogue.
On Thursday, I put out a text to him simply saying that I had experienced a horrible start to my day. I really wanted to have him show concern for me. I often feel on the fringe of his life, although I just began being a part of his life, however small that part may be.
Well, no response or concern was showed me all of Thursday by Mr. J. Ok, maybe he is busy or one of many other valid reasons he may have for not responding with questions on what happened or if I am ok. There I go again, giving the benefit of the doubt to someone who has not yet earned it. Either I choose to remain naive or just hopeful.
Thursday evening, as I am leaving work, I send a text to J asking if he wants to join us for drinks. Being in a class is what keeps him from accepting. I send back a little flirt, nothing big. More of a cute ego rub. After our kiss he has been a little more reserved when texting me. A little short with responses and not too much contact otherwise. Oh well. The weirdness has to blow over I suspect. We will see... But, tonight, we fall back into full force. Christian is out of town camping with his school for the night. I am feeling a bit blue, lonely, & in need of affection. I turn up the heat on our verbal play, essentially putting myself out there on a silver platter, offering to make good all of our teasing. At first he tells me that I had my chance. Although I try for a couple of hours to convince him to come fill my needs, it seems as though he is going to pass up the offer. OUCH! Nothing like a very virile man turning down a sensual liaison for no good reason to end your already difficult day.
Even though I want to, I don't take it personally. I know that I turned him down first. I wasn't intending to play a game with him. I just didn't want to put out 'casual sex' energy. Instead, I wanted to reserve and redirect that energy towards a life partner. Today I am weak & am a bit grateful that he is not going to take the bait. It will help me to stay on track!
I crawl into my bed, alone and emotionally exhausted. Pulling the down comforter up around my chin to ward off the cool night air coming in the widow just beside me, I fall asleep fast.
11:50 p.m. I am awakened by the sound of a text coming in. It's J. 'What are you doing awake'?, I ask. He doesn't know, just woke up & is now going back to sleep. I jokingly reply, 'you must be thinking about me', which is obvious cause he sent a text. One message led to another. Next thing I know is that at 12:20 a.m. Mr J is crawling into my bed... NAKED! Whoo Hoo! He really has such a nice physique.
Although the sex was nice, it was pretty straight forward with out much foreplay. There was a definite energetic wall between us. No real connection. I know it is possible to 'connect' with unfamiliar lovers. I have heard it from other women & have experienced it myself. It doesn't occur with J. His actions tell me that he is there not to bring me happiness, but to have his needs met. Afterwards, he did bring me close to cuddle but it felt more obligatory then sincere. That could just be my insecurities projecting out onto him. I could also just be trying to give him the benefit of the doubt again.
During the morning hours, while drifting in and out of sleep, I am visited by visions of my sweet, dead cat friend. The images are of his terror & panic. My thoughts bring tears to my eyes again. J is asleep so does not notice. Desperately I try to push the images from my mind, just wanting to sleep.
As J laid beside me, he would shift and break from sleep just to direct my hand to his cock saying that he liked the feeling of it being held. He also asked for a little back rub at some point. Being the giver I am, I did so. I now realize that J is a bit of a taker. I will have to be cautious not to be drained of my precious energy. I did, however, speak out, gently directing his hand to my lower back asking him to massage me for a bit. He made a sweet effort. There may be hope yet!
J is a good lover, just not the most giving lover. He and I 'fit' well together, he has stamina, and he is gentle. Having sex with him is pleasurable. I smile when I think of him in my bed. I get chills when I think of being intimate with him again. Maybe I can stay distant enough to be able to enjoy physical fulfillment. But, the question is, do I want to? I will definitely have to time it when I do not have emotional needs, just physical.
As J was leaving, he told me a bit of his previous day. I told him about my cat experience. He opens my eyes to my own judgment of the people who left the cat in the road. J let's me know that he, himself, wouldn't know what to do in that situation. He even says that if I were to cut my finger, he couldn't help me. I am forced to recognize that not everyone can face death, trauma, or serious injury. It's for those of us who can to pick up where others leave off. That is how I am to help in this world. It's not better, not worse, just is what I can do. I am thankful to J for his honesty.
J sends a text later saying, 'Thanks for last night' and 'U R very sexy'. Nice. Sincerity level is yet to be determined. :-)
The sweet...
Young Mr. S. In this case, S does stand for sweet. I worked outside all weekend at the Saturday Market, selling my friends pottery. I am not part of the usual Market community yet the ones who are tend to be very helpful, kind, and welcoming. The booth I was running backed up to the booth of a local artist, jeweler dude... Mr. S. Our acquaintance began when he asked for my opinion on a piece of jewelry he was attempting to design. 'Very nice', was my accurate compliment. The idea S had was very pretty indeed. The immediate hold back was how to tie it all in to complete the pendant. I offered up some suggestions, which he took without ego involvement. S is this very adorable, quirky guy, a bit on the eccentric pop side and super nice. His work is interestingly creative. I enjoyed meeting him.
The first day S and I did not talk too much. He would show me his work, ask if I would put it on so he could take a picture of it, then show me how it looked hanging around my neck. It was fun trying on his jewelry then attempting to stand still so he could zoom in on the piece with his camera phone. Before I knew, the day was at an end and I seemingly had a new friend. I was to be at the same spot the next day, as was he. I knew we'd hang out more on Sunday.
Sunday came. Off to the market to set up! Young Mr. S was there bright and early. I was a little late. Immediately we struck up conversation.
I say 'young' Mr. S because he is about 9 years my junior. That doesn't seem to discourage him. He made a couple coy attempts to see 'if I had any free time next week'. How SWEET!
During the course of the day S shared some games on his ipod with me, offered me part of his lunch, gave me a rose, and brought me back an array of fudge samples when I expressed my craving for chocolate. S & I had many small conversations, sharing bits of our individual lives and photos of our loved ones. Mr. S was definitely a great person to have backed up to my booth. He is very funny and sweet. Mr. S's demeanor comes across as being completely sincere, kind, and shows him to be a people pleaser. A nice addition to the wonderful people I find in my life.
The big bitch...
As we were all tearing down our booths for the day, the couple to the side of mine was off taking a load of goods to their storage or their car, I am not sure which. While they were gone a gust of wind came out of the blue, lifting their 'Easy Up' just enough to move it & to knock down a rack in the booth on their other side. The girl in the booth was sitting down talking on the phone when this light, metal rack fell forward, brushing past her leg. She screamed but did not move. Many of us stopped what we were doing to go to her aide. She simply sat there, still on the phone while we picked up the rack, placing it back where it was & arranging the clothing that fell as well. Next, another vender and I proceeded to lower the culprit 'Easy Up' in hopes to avoid another such episode during which the corner of the 'Easy Up' pushed the rack over again, coming no where near the girl. Again, she sat doing nothing but talking on the phone. I attempted to right the rack & while doing so some of the clothes fell off again. Then, she got up. She began chastising me for the fallen clothing, telling me to just leave the rack. I did so and went back to my packing up duty. Later, when the couple returned I explained what had happen. The guy asked the girl from the other booth what had happened. She simply told the story of how, when we tried to lower the canopy we knocked over her rack. From what I gathered she left out the whole wind situation, just blaming the catastrophe on me and the other helpful guy. Definitely, one BIG bitch. May God have mercy on her soul!!!
Luckily for me, the acts of kindness and sincerity out weighed the negative human characteristics that I experienced. Although the negative made an impact on me, I am not jaded, nor am I angry. People are people, fallible and imperfect. The good thing is that the consciousness is shifting and people are beginning to understand how our behaviors are affecting the world in which we live. The best we can do is continue to work on our own issues and to 'be the change we want to see in the world'.
Namaste
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